


Age of Calamity: Tales of Hyrule's Weirdness

by InfinityUndone



Category: Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, One Shot Collection, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, and neither should you, im not taking it super seriously, might be ooc but its funny, this is really just a fun side project for me, will update whenever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29277114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfinityUndone/pseuds/InfinityUndone
Summary: Exactly what the title says: a series of humorous one-shots set in Age of Calamity.Chapter 1: Revali has an epic freak-outChapter 2: Link comes up with a plan to defeat Ganon quick and easyChapter 3: Kohga tries to endear himself to his new alliesChapter 4: King Rhoam realizes he has created a monsterChapter 5: Kohga reminisces about Sooga to Zelda
Relationships: Master Kohga/Sooga
Comments: 17
Kudos: 84





	1. Revali's Epic Freakout

It was a peaceful night on the Great Plateau. With all of the monsters destroyed in the battle earlier that day, Hyrule’s forces were free to set up camp. Laughter floated up from the buildings and sea of tents, as the soldiers regardless of race and nationality celebrated the victory together. 

Revali returned to the Temple of Time from his evening flight, where the other Champions, Princess Zelda, and the rest were. He entered the building to see them all sitting in groups, happily talking to each other. It was a rare moment of peace, and an idyllic sight.

And something about it just made Revali snap like a twig.

“What is this?” he demanded.

“Oh, hey Revali!” Daruk said. “Sidon was just telling us about how he-”

“What is this?! WHAT IS THIS?!” Revali’s volume grew with every word, drawing everyone’s attention to him.

“...Are you alright, Revali?” Mipha asked with genuine concern.

“WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS MY LIFE?!” The Rito warrior screamed frantically.

“Revali, what is wrong?!” Zelda exclaimed.

“Are _none_ of you weirded out by all this?!” Revali squawked.

“What do you mean, all this?” Teba asked.

“All of this! I mean, LOOK at us! Why are none of you questioning this?!” He gestured around the room wildly. “Just look around this room! We’ve got the knight, the princess, the king, and us Champions…”

He pointed at Hestu. “But then we’ve got this… weird broccoli man fighting with us! Why is he even here?! We saved Korok Forest already!”

“I’m here because I want to be, shakalaka!” Hestu said. “And I’m not made of broccoli, that’s really rude!”

Revali ignored him. “And then we’ve got these four guys from the future!” He pointed at Sidon, Riju, Teba, and Yunobo. “How did they get here?! How do they know who Link is?!”

“Should we tell them about that whole Hyrule-got-destroyed thing?” Riju whispered. Sidon shook his head.

“And you!” Revali turned his attention to Sidon specifically. “You’re the adult version of Mipha’s younger brother, correct?”

“That is correct, yes…” Sidon said uncomfortably.

“Why is Mipha ridiculously short for a Zora, while you and King Dorephan are ridiculously huge for Zora?! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!”

Mipha and Sidon both gave affronted gasps. “That’s an extremely personal question, don’t you think?” Mipha said indignantly.

“And what about Daruk and his descendant?!” Revali continued ranting, pointing at Yunobo.

“What about them?” Urbosa snapped.

“How is he even blood-related to Daruk when Gorons don’t reproduce that way?!” Revali was getting increasingly worked up.

Daruk spoke up. “Actually, it’s really simple. Y’see, we Gorons don’t need a mate to have kids. What we do is, we take these special rocks that grow on our backs, bury em in some nice dirt-”

He was interrupted by Revali’s continued freakout. “Why are we letting this CHILD fight hordes of monsters?!” He pointed at Riju. “She’s like, nine years old!”

“I’m eleven, so shut the fu-”

“Riju, watch your language.” Teba’s dad mode kicked in.

“That’s not even it!” Revali’s tone was semi-hysterical. “We’ve also got a ten-thousand year old guy here! Where did he even come from? Link just… showed up with him one day!”

Maz Koshia sipped his tea.

“And THEN, we’ve also got FOUR GIANT FAIRIES IN A MOVING FOUNTAIN!” 

“Five, dear. Malanya pops in on occasion.” Mija popped out of the fountain to clarify.

“WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?! NOTHING ABOUT THIS WAR AFFECTS YOU IN ANY WAY!”

Tera poked her head out of the fountain next to Mija. “Isn’t it the right thing to do, help fight the forces of evil? If we sit idly by despite knowing we are powerful enough to make a difference, doesn’t that make us just as bad as Calamity Ganon?” she asked.

Revali didn’t really seem to hear her.

“But you know what the weirdest thing of all is? The fact that we’re letting an ACTUAL TERRORIST HELP US!” Revali flung an accusing wing at Master Kohga.

“Hey! I take offense to that!” Kohga exclaimed.

‘YOU SHOULD! WE FOUGHT YOU SO MANY TIMES! AND NOW YOU’RE JUST SITTING HERE, EATING WITH PEOPLE YOU TRIED _KILLING_ MULTIPLE TIMES!” 

Kohga was sitting across from King Rhoam and Zelda.

“Revali, please try to calm yourself. I understand some of the recent events may be stressful, but-” King Rhoam began.

“HOW IS EVERYONE SO _OKAY_ WITH ALL THIS?! WHY ARE NONE OF YOU QUESTIONING ANYTHING?!” 

“Okay, I think that’s enough.” Teba got up and grabbed a blanket.

“I DON’T GET IT! THIS IS SO-Ackk!” Revali was cut off when Teba threw the blanket over his head.

“Time to get some rest, Master Revali.” Teba said.

“I am _not_ a chick! You really think the blanket trick will work on me?! I am a grown-ass Rito and I… I…”

Revali yawned and fell asleep, standing up, with the blanket still over his head.

* * *

Several hours later, he woke up, and thought it was still night until he pulled the blanket off of him. The morning sun was shining through the windows. The Temple of Time was deserted, except for Master Kohga, who was drinking a mug of coffee.

“Oh hey! You’re awake!” He greeted Revali. “That was some freakout last night.” He held out another coffee mug. “Want some? Ya look like you need it.”

Revali stared at the coffee, then at Kohga, then back at the coffee. For a few moments, he felt the sheer absurdity of his life come rushing back to him, the urge to freak out again rising in his chest…

And then it was replaced with the tiring realization that no matter how much he ranted and raved about it, he couldn’t do anything about this whole weird situation.

So he accepted what his life had become and took the coffee.


	2. The Master Spear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link comes up with a plan to destroy Ganon quick and easy.

“Link? You wished to speak with us?” Zelda asked as she and Impa walked up to the knight.

Link bowed respectfully before getting down to business. “Princess Zelda, Lady Impa, I have a plan for the assault on Hyrule Castle that will involve minimal casualties.”

“What is this plan?” Zelda asked.

“It involves the Master Sword. As you know, I am the only one who can wield it… but what if that weren’t the case?”

“How would that be possible?” Impa asked. “The Master Sword burns anyone who touches it.” She rubbed her hand, remembering the time she’d tossed it to Link in the heat of battle and paid the price.

“Well, what if they weren’t actually touching it?” Link gestured to what he’d been working on.

The Sword That Seals The Darkness was leaning against a rock… and it was crudely attached to a soldiers spear.

Zelda and Impa didn’t quite know how to answer.

“Ah, well… Maybe that would work?” Zelda said.

“How did you attach it?” Impa wondered, looking at the strange gray material wrapped around the hilt of the sword.

“Purah lent me this sticky stuff she made. She called it duck tape. It’s pretty powerful!” 

“So, what exactly is your plan?” Zelda asked.

“Well, given how great the Master Sword is at killing evil, my plan is to give this new weapon-the Master _Spear_ -” Link held up his handiwork proudly “-to the person in this army who’s best at killing things.”

“...And?”

“And that’s it. That’s my plan. I give the Master Spear to this person and set them loose on Hyrule Castle.”

“Link! That’s a terrible plan! That’s suicidal! There are so many ways it could-”

Zelda interrupted Impa. “Link, who exactly are you talking about?”

Link smiled. “Follow me.”

* * *

“Hey, Mipha!”

Mipha turned around, interrupted from her training, to see Link walking up with Impa and Zelda following behind.

“Hello Link!” Mipha’s heart beat slightly faster at the sight of him. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Yes, actually!” He held up a strange spear. “Give this spear a try!”

Mipha caught it when he tossed it to him and realized something. “Link, is this the Master Sword?” she exclaimed.

“It’s the Master Spear now. How is it? Is it burning your hands?”

“No…”

“See, it does work!” Link said as an aside to Impa and Zelda before turning back to Mipha. “Try it out! See how it handles!”

Mipha gave the Master Spear a few experimental swings and jabs, sending powerful beams of light swooshing through the air. “It’s a bit heavy on the tip, but it works fine.”

“I can’t believe this.” Impa muttered. “His crazy plan might actually work.”

“What plan?” Mipha asked.

“Mipha, how would you feel about spending your evening liberating Hyrule Castle?” Link asked.

* * *

**One hour later…**

Calamity Ganon whimpered hysterically at the sight of the Zora pointing the Master Spear at him.

“Do you yield?” Mipha asked fiercely, or about as fiercely as she was capable of. 

Calamity Ganon nodded.

“Good. Now wait here until Princess Zelda shows up, I can’t seal you on my own.”

Calamity Ganon shrunk back further into the corner.

How? How had this happened? She’d shown up at the gates to the castle, and he’d barely given her a second thought. One lone Zora was no match for his forces.

Oh how wrong he’d been. She’d slaughtered every monster in her path, dismantled every Guardian, torn through all four of the Blights, destroyed his Harbinger, nearly done the same to Astor until he possessed that pompous prophet (something he should have done a long time ago, that bastard had cost him the loyalty of the Yiga Clan), and then she had utterly decimated his ultimate form. Every hit he’d gotten on her she’d healed. She fought with strength he could only dream of. She’d even broken through his armor! He thought only the raw power of the Goddess was capable of that!

But no… this woman… this destructive force of nature defeated him _alone_. With a weapon specifically meant to destroy him, but still. Being sealed away for another ten thousand years would be a relief after such an embarrassing and brutal defeat.

“Mipha! We’re here!” Link, Zelda, Sidon, and everyone else ran into the sanctum.

“Sorry it took us so long.” Daruk said. “We had to wade through a sea of monster corpses and Guardian parts to get here.”

“That’s quite alright.” smiled Mipha. “I had everything under control.”

“Sister, you defeated Calamity Ganon… alone?” Sidon said in shock.

“And the Blights, and a strange malice-infested Guardian, and Astor. But do not worry, I am unharmed.” Mipha told him reassuringly.

Sidon had to sit down for a moment.

“Did the duck tape hold up?” Link asked.

“It did, surprisingly well.”

“Hey!” Kohga yelled suddenly. “Where’s Astor? I wanted to repay him for what he did to Sooga and my soldiers!”

“Oh, well…” Mipha pointed at Calamity Ganon, who was still huddled in the corner. “Astor… was transformed into Ganon.”

“Awww, and I can’t kill Ganon… I guess you’ll just have to avenge them for me, Princess.” Kohga said dejectedly to Zelda.

“Them and everyone else whose lives were taken by Ganon and his monsters.” Zelda said, stepping up next to Mipha and glaring down at Ganon. 

Despite the fact that she was the only one with the power to destroy him, Ganon’s terror of Zelda was far less intense than his fear of the Zora next to her.

_“Aagggh… grrrrghh… Iaaugggh…”_

“Oh Goddess, he’s trying to communicate!” Impa gasped. Everyone leaned in closer to hear the words Calamity Ganon was trying to form with his monstrous mouth.

_“Juuuuussst… seeaaaal me alreeeady… it will… get meee awaaaay from her fasteeeer…”_ He rasped.

“Get you away from who?” Zelda asked.

_“Her… that terrifyyyyiiing Zoraaaaa…”_ Calamity Ganon meekly pointed at Mipha.

“A wish I will be all too happy to grant.” Zelda held up her hand, glowing with power.

As the light burned away Calamity Ganon’s weakened mind and body, his last thoughts were a mental note to eliminate the Zora first next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Mipha so much in this game. She emotes so much more, and she's an absolute BEAST on the battlefield


	3. Kohga's guide to making friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kohga tries to endear himself to his new allies.

Kohga knew full well he wasn’t the most popular person in the army, and he could see why. Up until last week, he and his clan had been wreaking havoc across Hyrule. He really couldn’t blame the rest of the army for their dislike of him and his troops.

But did they really have to be so blatant about it? Everywhere he went he was greeted with dirty looks and distrustful silence. Hadn’t he proved every single day that he wasn’t going to try anything? 

Kohga wouldn’t have admitted it, but he was also lonely. With Sooga gone, he didn’t have anyone to talk to. And while he was trying to bond with his new allies, it was kind of hard to start a conversation with someone when they remembered about how you tried to kill them last month. Even the nice ones very obviously weren't quite okay with him being there.

So, Kohga made up his mind. He would get on his allies' good side no matter what.

The question was, how to do that?

After a long time thinking, Kohga had a plan.

* * *

Zelda was the first person he decided to make peace with. She was the top banana of the army, so it was probably a good idea to butter her up a bit. Seeing her walk by with her knight and that weird egg guardian, he decided to make his move.

“Hey, Princess Zelda!” Kohga called, trying to seem cheerful and non-threatening. The princess turned around.

“Hello Master Kohga, is there something you need?” Zelda asked formally.

“Uh, there’s something I want to tell you.”

“Which is?”

“I just wanted you to know that the Yiga Clan did _not_ kill your mother.” Kohga said brightly.

Zelda froze and Link nearly spat out the meat skewer he was eating.

“...”

“Yeah, I always wondered if you guys blamed us for that. But I assure you, we didn’t do it!” It was the truth. Sure, the Yiga Clan had been _planning_ to kill the queen, but she died of something or other before they could go through with it. Which worked out pretty well, didn’t it?

“I… um, thank you?” Zelda said awkwardly.

“You’re welcome!” Kohga said before zooming off.

Zelda and Link exchanged confused glances. 

* * *

Next up on Kohga’s list was Impa. And she was a doozy. Kohga tried to figure out what she liked and disliked, but Impa was so distrustful of him and the Yiga Clan that she refused to reveal anything about herself, on top of her already being naturally secretive. Kohga did his best, but it wasn’t until he saw her in battle that he finally got an idea.

“Listen up, warriors!” Kohga said to the group of Yiga footsoldiers he was commanding. “I have a special and incredibly important mission for you today! Your mission: catch the most perfect frog you can!”

“What kind of frog?” One of the footsoldiers asked.

“Any kind! But it has to be perfect! You have until sunset, now go!” 

The footsoldiers scattered and Kohga felt himself repressing a melancholy sigh. If Sooga were here, he’d catch a frog in five minutes without breaking a sweat.

A few hours later, the footsoldiers returned, looking like wrecks. Most of them were soaked to the bone, and two of them were being carried by their comrades. 

“So?” Kohga said expectantly.

Five of the footsoldiers staggered forward and opened their hands to reveal their findings.

“Hmm…” Kohga inspected the frogs carefully. “Too small, not red enough, missing an eye, too long of a tail… AHA!” 

He grabbed a Tireless Frog out of the footsoldiers hands. “This one is PERFECT! Great work, everyone! Extra rations all around!”

As Kohga walked off happily, frog in hand, one of the footsoldiers called “Master, what should we do with the other frogs?”

“Mm, I don’t care. Keep em, eat em, bring em back to where they came from.” Kohga said flippantly.

Kohga headed off to Impa’s tent, and caught her right as she walked out.

“Ah, hello Impa! I was looking for you!” Kohga said cheerily.

“Why?” Impa said suspiciously, one hand straying to her kodachi.

“Tada! It’s a gift for you!” Kohga held out the frog.

Impa didn’t know how to respond to this.

“Um… what is it?”

“It’s a frog, obviously.” Kohga said.

“And _why_ exactly are you giving it to me?” Impa asked irritably.

“Because I thought you’d like it!”

Impa was at a loss for words, so Kohga just dropped it into her hands.

“I figured you could train it like you do those other ones, and then ride it into battle or something.” Kohga said, taking her silence as proof that she loved her gift. “Anyway, I’ve got stuff to do, so uh, have a good evening!”

And with that, he poofed away, leaving Impa standing there with a frog in her hands.

“Wait, Kohga! I don’t- oh whatever.” Impa sighed and looked at the frog. “Now what to do with you?” She wondered. It ribbited in response. “Maybe Link can find a use for you…”

* * *

Now, the last two people on Kohga’s list were Urbosa and Riju. Urbosa he wasn’t too worried about, he knew she was a fair enough person to at least give him a chance. Riju was a little more uncertain. She made no secret of her dislike towards him, and she was (apparently) from the future, so Kohga knew very little about her. After a bit of thinking, Kohga thought he had a way to get the Gerudo on his side.

“Now, then, if you’ll just step in here…” Kohga said to Urbosa and Riju with a flourish. Urbosa didn’t look too excited about what he had to show them, and Riju just looked annoyed at his presence. They entered the tent to see…

“TADA!” Kohga gestured to a stack of treasure chests. “It’s all the stuff we stole from the Gerudo over the years! Well, most of it. We sold a lot of it.” He stepped over the panting, exhausted Blademaster’s who’d moved all of the chests from their old hideout and declared “All of it’s yours!”

Urbosa and Riju looked shocked. “You’re giving _all_ this back?” Urbosa said in surprise.

“Yep! I mean, we’re on the same side now, so…”

Urbosa opened the nearest chest and pulled out a bejeweled necklace. “Oh, I remember this! This was my grandmothers.”

Kohga was about to say her grandma had terrible taste, but realized if Sooga was here, he would probably tell him not to, so he stayed silent.

Riju peeked into another chest. “Wow, I’ve never seen all this jewelry before. Probably because you stole it.” She gave Kohga an unpleasant look.

Sensing that maybe stolen jewelry wasn’t a good topic of conversation, Kohga said “So, a century in the future, huh? What’s it like?”

“It’s… nice.” Riju said lamely.

“Who’s the new Master Kohga?”

“Huh? I thought it was still you.”

“Hah, no way!” Kohga said. “We Yiga live a long time, but there’s no way I’d still be kicking after a hundred years.”

“Well, how old are you now?” Riju asked.

“I’m twenty-five!”

Riju glanced at the Blademasters slumped on the floor, all of whom subtly shook their heads.

“Y’see, the title of Master Kohga is passed down by the leaders of the Yiga Clan. I wasn’t born with the name, it was changed to Kohga when I became leader.” Kohga explained.

“Oh. That makes sense.” Riju said. “The Kohga in my time gave us a lot of trouble. He ordered his men to steal the sacred Thunder Helm.”

Kohga nodded politely, but inside he was thoroughly impressed. The Thunder Helm was something the Yiga Clan had their eyes on for generations. He didn’t think it would go over well if he voiced this thought, though.

Urbosa spoke up. “But you have the Thunder Helm now, don’t you?”

“Yes! Li- an ally of ours got it back.”

“Did they fight the Master Kohga then?! Was it an epic fight?!” Kohga asked excitedly. 

“Erm, I don’t know, I was not there. But when our ally got back, they told us that he- Kohga- was dead.”

“Oh.” Kohga deflated a bit. “How?”

Riju looked faintly amused. “Well, apparently Kohga lost control of his spiky magnetic ball, and it rolled him into the giant pit in the hideout.”

“WHAT?!” squawked Kohga. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! You’re telling me my successor was stupid enough to fall in there with his own attack?!”

“I’m just repeating what I heard.” Riju said. “It wasn’t really an attack, he summoned it, couldn’t get it to do anything, and it started rolling towards him.”

Kohga snorted. “That is _pathetic!_ He forgot that he could levitate?! Heck, he probably could’ve just run out of the way of the thing! Wow. If he was that incompetent in battle, he deserved to end up in that pit.”

Riju giggled.“ Out of curiosity, why is that pit even there?”

“We use it to dump our garbage in. Banana peels and stuff.” Kohga said, neglecting to mention the many skeletons probably piled up down there too. “Wow. I need to make a note in my will that my successor has to be not-terrible at summoning stuff. Seriously, I use _two_ of those spiky balls in battle, and I’ve never once lost control!”

Urbosa cleared her throat then. “Master Kohga. I appreciate your kind gesture of returning our stolen treasures. It will not be forgotten.”

“Hey, what are allies for?”

As he left the tent, Kohga felt pleased. He’d won over his detractors through the power of frogs and dissing his descendants. This would be the beginning of several beautiful friendships.

It was time to celebrate! The stores of bananas were calling. Maybe he could make a banana shake, or banana bread, or a banana cream pie. He was so excited as he walked off, he failed to notice Link chowing down on an Akkala bun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AoC Kohga could beat up BotW Kohga blindfolded and with one hand tied behind his back.


	4. Strays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> King Rhoam has created a monster.

“Father! Please look at what I found!” 

King Rhoam turned around to see his three year-old daughter Zelda running up to him, an excited look on her face. She was holding something behind her back.

“What are you so excited about, my dear?” He bent down for a closer look. 

Zelda revealed what she was holding: a tiny black-and-white kitten. It gave a diminutive meow.

“I found him outside the library. He’s so little!” Zelda said happily. “Can I keep him? Please? I promise I will take good care of him!”

King Rhoam gave a good-natured sigh. “Zelda, this is the third animal you’ve brought home this week. The maids will quit if they find any more lizards in your bed, you know.”

“But look at him! He’s so cute, no one would ever be scared of him!” Zelda pleaded. “Please Father, please let me keep him. He has nowhere else to go.” 

As if to drive the point home, the kitten let out a pleading mew.

King Rhoam thought for a moment. On one hand, the castle was teeming with Zelda’s foundlings already, and he didn’t want to spoil her rotten. On the other, they could always use a mouser in the castle, and it was quite the adorable kitten.

And looking at Zelda’s big, begging eyes, how could he say no?

“You can’t keep him as your pet,” King Rhoam decided, and before Zelda’s face could fall, he continued “But he may stay in the castle. Bring him to the kitchens, and tell the cooks to give him a saucer of milk.”

Zelda gasped and her eyes sparkled with joy. “Thank you Father! Thank you so much!” She gave him a kiss on the cheek in gratitude before happily skipping off with her kitten.

Rhoam stood up as he watched her flounce down the hall, before he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Another pet? She has you wrapped around her finger.” He hadn’t even noticed his beloved queen's approach.

Rhoam turned around to greet her. “I know, but she looked so happy...”

His queen smiled. “It starts with a few kittens and frogs, but soon she’ll start bringing home wild horses, herons, and eventually wolves. From there, she’ll work her way up to Keese and Chuchus, and soon the castle will be overrun with Bokoblins and Lizalfos, and she’ll be begging you to let her keep the Lynel she somehow brought home.”

“All of that from a kitten?!” Rhoam feigned shock at her teasing. “Come now, my love. You exaggerate.”

* * *

**Fourteen years later…**

King Rhoam had long since forgotten about Zelda’s old penchant for bringing home strays, but the situation he now found himself in was dredging up those old memories.

_ “My love, you weren’t exaggerating.” _ The thought ran through his mind over and over again.

He wished he’d said no to the kitten all those years ago. He’d created a monster.

“Please, Father?” Zelda asked.

“Must he stay in the castle?” Rhoam demanded. “We’re short enough on space as is. And what if he goes on a rampage?”

“He will not, I assure you! I have perfect control over him!” Zelda exclaimed.

“And what will everyone think when they see the ultimate evil that attacked their kingdom and that is  _ supposed  _ to be sealed away walking around in broad daylight?!” Rhoam gestured to Calamity Ganon’s hulking form.

“Father, I will take care of that too. We’ll let him stay in a quiet corner of the castle, and I’ll make sure to only let him run free in unpopulated areas of Hyrule. And he can disguise himself, see?” Zelda snapped her fingers, and Calamity Ganon obediently turned into a strange ball of blue energy.

Rhoam felt a headache coming on. “Zelda, I cannot agree to this. It was one thing to let the Yiga Clan and the Great Fairies stay, but-”

“Father, I know what you’re about to say. I assure you, Ganon will be instrumental in helping rebuild. His sheer strength will do wonders, he can control monsters, and his destructive capabilities will be perfect for protecting the more vulnerable settlements. Please Father, let him stay.”

“...Fine.” King Rhoam begrudgingly muttered. “But you’re responsible for him.”

Zelda smiled brightly. “Thank you, Father! Come along, Ganon, we’ll find a spot for you in the lower levels.” She strode away.

Calamity Ganon leaned towards King Rhoam, and whispered  _ “Kiiiiill… me… agaaaaiiin…”  _ before meekly following Zelda down the hall, shaking the floor with his footsteps.

King Rhoam was pretty sure his wife’s spirit was having a good laugh in the afterlife right now.


	5. T.M.I.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kohga reminisces about Sooga to Zelda.

Zelda was lost in thought as she walked through the halls. It was late evening, and only the candles on the walls provided light. Most of the army had turned in for the night, exhausted after another strenuous day of battle. 

Her thoughts of technology and war were interrupted when she heard a strange sound. It was… someone crying?

Curious, Zelda listened for the source of the sound, and peered into a nearby room.

Sitting at a table in the room was Master Kohga. His back was to her, and his mask was lying next to him. He was holding something in his hands, and sobbing faintly.

“Master Kohga? Are you alright?” Zelda asked softly.

Kohga jerked up, and quickly put on his mask before turning around. “Ah, P-princess Zelda. I didn’t hear you there.” His attempts at sounding like his usual boisterous self weren’t working, his voice was too thick and shaky.

“Is something the matter?” Zelda entered the room.

“It’s nothing really… just missin’ Sooga.” Kohga sniffled faintly.

Zelda remembered the Yiga Clan warrior. Kohga never explicitly said why he was no longer with them, but it was easy to infer his demise from some of Kohga’s remarks. “What exactly happened to Sooga?” she asked gently, sitting down next to Kohga.

“W-well, Astor decided to sacrifice a bunch of our members to bring back his monsters…” Kohga paused to wipe his eyes through his mask, “and Sooga and I tried to stop him. Astor sicced em’ on us, and we had to make a run for it. We were injured, and getting tired…” Kohga’s voice cracked, “and Sooga told me to get away and he would hold them off long enough for me to escape. I tried to talk him out of it, but…”

“I’m sorry, Kohga. That must have been terrible.” Zelda placed a hand on his shoulder.

Kohga took a moment to compose himself before continuing. “Once I got away and met up with the rest of the clan, we went back to try n’find Sooga. But he was gone. All we found were his swords and this.” He held up a piece of Sooga’s distinctive mask.

“Was there any sign of Astor or his monsters?” Zelda asked.

“Nah. Just a lot of burnt trees and stuff where Sooga fought them.” Kohga said thickly.

“Kohga, I’m so sorry for your loss. I swear to you, Astor will  _ pay _ for all that he’s done.” 

Kohga sniffled. “Thanks, princess. I appreciate it.”

He cleared his throat before launching into a story. “Sooga… man, he was always just so  _ good  _ at doin’ stuff. He could get any job done. I could say somethin’ like ‘Hey Sooga, go find and tame a horse!’ and he’d get it done perfectly in less than an hour. If he was here, Ganon would be pounded into the dirt already.”

“Oh?” Zelda said.

“Yeah. He trained for years and years to become my bodyguard. He used to do crazy stuff like goin’ to Eventide Island with like, one dagger, and kill every monster there. And he used to fight Lynels blindfolded as a training exercise.”

“Wow.”

“And he was great in bed, too. He’d do this thing where he’d put his tongue in my-”

“Okay!” Zelda stood up quickly, her face turning red. “Um, I just remembered I have a lot of research to do, and I should probably get going, so um, good talk!”

“Yeah…” Kohga sniffled again, but in a less sad way. “I’m feelin’ a lot better now. Thanks, princess.”

“You’re quite welcome!” Zelda was already out the door and halfway down the hall.

Later that night, she was recounting the interaction to Link and Impa. 

“Huh, so Sooga and Kohga were a couple.” Impa mused. “That answers a lot of questions.” 

“I only wish he’d revealed it in a way that didn’t put so many... unwanted images in my head.” Zelda’s cheeks became red again.

Link pumped his fist in the air triuphantly. “Ha! I called it! Where’s Revali? He owes me fifty rupees!”


End file.
